Finding the Courage

When the alarm clock went off at six o'clock this morning, all I wanted to do was roll over and go back to sleep.  I was chilled, it was still dark out, and I was tired.  In another life, I would have called in sick to work for what I used to call a "mental health day" - I'd spend the day curled up with a good book, a cozy sweater, a hot cup of tea and just re-charge.

Alas, moms don't get sick days, let alone mental health days, so I got my ass out of bed, brushed my teeth, and slapped on some comfy clothes.  No shower today.  Didn't have time to get in and get out before the beasties awoke.

At least I'll be comfy and cozy...

The truth is, I'm having a tough time balancing this whole work-at-home mom thing.  I get about 8 hours of childcare per week, the rest of the time I'm with my kiddos.  They are up by 7 and aren't in bed until 9... sooo yeah not much time for me.  How long can I keep up my routine of staying up til midnight working?  Probably not too long.  What am I willing to let go?  Here's the problem: I don't want to give up anything.  I get to be home with my children and have crafted the career of my dreams.  I just don't ever get a break.

That's my issue right now:  zero down time.  And while I thrive on doing a million things at once, I've always needed a breather now and again.

So this morning, things are a little different over at the Sanzo house.  There are no children:  Colten is at school and Cooper is at my neighbor's.  I'm drinking a HOT (this is a novelty) cup of coffee, listening to Ani, and writing with a realness I usually don't have the time or the energy for.  The truth is this whole grown up thing is pretty hard and life rarely goes as planned.  And for this little planner, that's a tough pill to swallow.  Because to be perfectly honest, I'm not living the life I imagined.

I thought I'd be the SAHM who made craft projects, baked, and taught her kids to read by three.  I didn't plan on special needs children, or the sudden urge to be an entrepreneur, or cashing in my teaching pension to be a fashion blogger and personal stylist.  Those aren't things I planned.  I planned on being Suzy Homemaker, getting my PhD, and teaching at a local college once my kids were in school.  Plans change.  People grow up.

As I sit here listening to music that can't help but bring me back to the girl I used to be, I can't help but smile and wish I could tell her that the beauty in life is that it can't be planned, that most of it lies just beyond our control.  But if we're brave enough to adapt and let go of the life we imagined, we get to live one we never even dreamed.  And if we're really lucky, we get to walk this crazy journey surrounded by people we love, a faith that sustains us, and the occasional child-free morning to reflect and realize that our blessings outnumber our woes.

Perspective.  Try it.  It does a body good.

xoxo

Jenny