Two for Tuesday: Potty Training Edition

Tomorrow marks one week in underwear (pull ups at night).  All in all I think he is doing really well, but we have managed to have accidents in two public places.

1.  The Chinese Restaurant

This photo is from my bachelorette party circa 2007
But I'm holding sushi so I decided it could work.
What can I say?  I needed a photo

Now for the story:  He's sitting there, mowing some lo mein noodles, watching rescue bots on Steve's i-pad when BAM!  the biggest pee I've ever seen in my life soaks the booth, his pants, socks, sneakers etc.  We had to carry him out barefoot.  I'm pretty sure we're never allowed back.

2.  The Liquor Store

Pick him up at school, grab a happy meal, and run to liquor store for cheap bottle of red wine that I forgot to buy for the beef stew I was making for dinner.  I walk three steps away from the child and hear:  "Mama..pee-pee."  There he is standing in a puddle on the mat next to the cash register.  The lady working was less than pleased.  I offered to clean it up, but made the mistake of asking for carpet cleaner.   Apparently this is the first time someone urinated in her store and she never had use for carpet cleaner before.  She made sure she told me that (twice) and proceeded to give me a look that said "you shouldn't have your snot nose kids in my liquor store anyway."  I asked if she wanted me to spray her carpet with the windex she put on the counter and she said: "you better spray it with something before it stinks to high heaven."  Ok I get it, you're pissed (no pun intended) but it's not like I just peed in your store.  The kid is three and he is adorable and accidents happens.  I guess I'm going to have to start buying my booze somewhere else.  Her loss.  They might go out of business because this mama drinks a lot of wine - I mean if this incident proved anything its that I need my booze more than anyone else.  When we got to the car I said to Colt: "boy that was embarrassing huh?"  To which he replied, "no" and smiled that cute little chicklet tooth smile at me. Super.  I'm going to need a new liquor store.  Stat.

Hope you're having a terrific Tuesday and that no one pees on your stuff.

xoxo

Jenny

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

Or as my friend Jeree would say:  "Cray- Cray; Fish Fillet!" (Yes, that phrase totally needed a semicolon.)

If you were hoping to read anything of any value or substance, I'd just stop reading now.

Last night I truly felt like I was living in a mental institution.

10:30 PM - I go to bed.

12:45 AM - My husband wakes me up, convinced that my eye pillow is a dead animal (still not sure what kind...must have been small... a squirrel perhaps?) Anywho, not important.  The important thing here is that this is not a rare occurrence in my house.  Steve sleep-walks, talks, puts lights on, looks for alligators in the closet and tries to stop the Taliban from shooting rockets out of a pickup truck in our driveway.  (You can't make this stuff up.)  We've gone to sleep clinics to check for apnea and were told it is all psychological.  Super.  Fast forward to last night, where my eye pillow is in fact a rotting carcass in our bed.  Good times.  Good times.  I finally convinced him he was dreaming by putting the eye pillow on my face.  He looks at me and says:  "Well, I guess you wouldn't' put a dead animal on your face...I must have been dreaming."  He flicks the light off, hops into bed, snuggles in, and is snoring in less than 30 seconds.  I roll over like this is completely normal and go back to sleep too.

2:00 AM - Colten wakes up screaming covered in his own pee.  I change him, strip the bed, sniff test all stuffed animals, remake bed, and get him tucked in.  I just ended that sentence with a preposition...damn.

2:30 AM - I try to fall back asleep.

4:00 AM - Cooper wakes up screaming covered in feces trying to gnaw off his own hand.  I repeat the 2:30 AM process on child number two, de-poop him, give him tylenol for teething (hoping that is the cause of the hand-eating and not a prelude to the zombie apocalypse) and proceed to try to get him to fall back asleep for the better part of an hour using the Ferber Method.

7:00 AM - Alarm goes off and child number one wakes up.  My husband turns to me and says:  "Geeze I'm tired this morning."  I respond:  "You're tired?  I live in a freaking crazy house."

8:15 AM - I am attempting to keep children distracted with television so I can write this blog post. I just made a huge POT of coffee for MYSELF.  I'm going to need it.

Buy yours here.

Peace out kiddos.  Hope you're not living in a loony bin!

xoxo

Jenny